be weird. be beautiful. be.
this is my: 'be'.
LIFE IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. I CAN’T REST. I CAN’T LOVE. I CAN’T FIND MYSELF AT ALL. I ONCE HAD ASPIRATIONS OF BEING HAPPY, OF BEING A KIND AND WARM YOUNG MAN. I HAVE RESORTED TO BEING A DESPERATE ISLAND OF NOTHING. FLOATING AIMLESSLY, PLEASING NO ONE AND SINKING DUE TO THE ETERNAL WEIGHT OF MY OWN SELF-HATE. I AM A BOY IN LOVE. I AM A BOY WHO FINDS COMFORT IN THE ARMS OF A PETITE AND FRANKLY STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL GIRL CALLED PRIYA. SHE RULES MY WORLD. I CANNOT BREATHE STRAIGHT WITHOUT HER. SHE IS MY FLOW OF CONSCIOUSNESS. IF A DAY PASSES WHERE WE DONT TALK, I CRY. THAT HAPPENED TODAY. I CRIED. I FUCKING WEPT BECAUSE I COULD EXPRESS THE LOVE I HAD. MY TROUBLE IS THAT THIS IS A PROBLEM THAT RUNS THROUGH ME EVERY DAY. I HAVE SUPPRESSED FEELINGS. GREAT FEELINGS OF LOVE AND ADORATION. SHE USED TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND. I WANT HER TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND AGAIN. I LOVE HER STILL. MORE SO THAN EVER. SHE’S PERFECT. SHE’S HURT ME - BEYOND BELIEF. MADE ME CUT MYSELF. I WANT TO RUN AWAY WITH HER. IF SHE’S NOT THERE IN THE MORNINGS, I’LL FEEL EMPTY THE WHOLE DAY. I REMEMBER DAYS WHEN SHE’D KISS ME BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T CONTROL IT. WE STILL SKYPE. THERE IS NO FLARE. I FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO BELIEVE THAT HER LOVE IS ANY WEAKER THAN MINE. I AM IN DENIAL. BUT I HURT HER. I MISLAID HER TRUST. I BETRAYED WHO SHE THOUGHT I WAS. BUT I AM THAT BOY. I AM THE BOY WHO WILL KISS HER FOREHEAD. I AM THE BOY WHO MAKES HER FEEL MORE SPECIAL THAN ANYONE ELSE. JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE. SHOW ME YOU WANT ME TO. SHE IS MY MOTIVATION AND MY PASSION. IF SHE GOES OUT OF HER WAY TO SHOW ME, I’LL BE HAPPIER THAN BEFORE. SHE IS MY GIRL. SHE IS MY WORLD. I LOVE HER. WITH EVERYTHING THAT I AM AND THAT I HAVE. MY MERE EXISTENCE DEPENDS UPON HER LOVE. BUT TONIGHT SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE’S CAMPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE AT READING. THAT WAS MY DREAM. HERS AT ONE POINT TOO. 4 DAYS LIVING TOGETHER. SOMETHING WE DIDNT EVEN THINK WOULD BE POSSIBLE UNTIL YEARS INTO THE FUTURE. AND WE HAD IT. LAID OUT IN FRONT OF US. I THREW THINGS AWAY. SHE’S A PECULIAR GIRL. INSECURE, OVER-PORTECTIVE, MEAN, DECEPTIVE, SELFISH, JEALOUS, CRAZY. BUT I BELIEVE HER TO BE A GIRL IN LOVE AND NOTHING MORE. SHE HAS CHANGED AS TIME HAS PASSED BETWEEN US. SHE USED TO BE MROE RELAXED. I COULDNT LIVE WITH THAT PRIYA ANYMORE. SHE MADE ME LIKE HER. STUPID ME. I NOW NEED HER JEALOUSY, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I CANT LIVE WITH IT. I NEED THE DIFFICULT SITUATION. WHY? IT’LL PROBABLY KILL ME ONE DAY. IM NOT KIDDING. I FEEL SLIGHTLY DEMENTED ALREADY. I FEEL CLOSER TO DEATH THAN EVER. EMOTIONS NEVER BEFORE EVOKED. I WANT HAPPINESS AGAIN. TAKE ME BACK TO THE SPOT. DON’T LET HER LIE WITH ANYONE ELSE. I PRAY. THE IDEA OF HER BEING WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THAT ISNT ME ABSOLUTELY DECIMATES MY INSIDES. I CAN FIND NO WAY TO TELL HER. ALL SINCERITY IS LOST. MY FAULT. MY LIES. MY FUCKING IDIOCY. BUT SHE’S MADE MISTAKES TOO. I DONT LIKE THE WAY OUR FUTURE LOOKS. I WANT IT THE WAY WE PLANNED IT. BUT SHES MAKING FRIENDS. SHE’S MEETING NEW PEOPLE AND GOING PLACES. I DONT LIKE TO GO OUT. IM QUITE QUIET IN ALL HONESTY. I MIGHT RUN AWAY WITH MY GUITAR WHEN IT’S ALL OVER. FUCKING MUSIC. FUCKINGGGGGGGGGGGG SHIT. MY BRAIN, MY STOMACH, MY LIFE IS ONE BALL OF TANGLES, ONE BALL OF CONVOLUTED THREADS OF DISASTER. BUT WHEN IT ALL COMES UNRAVELLED IM SCARED THAT’S WHEN THE DISASTER WILL STRIKE. IM SO HEAVILY INVESTED IN HER. IN HER TIME. IN HER HAPPINESS. I’VE DONE THINGS I DIDNT THINK WOULD BE POSSIBLE. THINGS EVEN THE MOST DEVOTED COUPLES WOULDN’T DO. WHY DO I KEEP COMING BACK? PEOPLE BASH ME AT SCHOOL. THEY TALK BEHIND MY BACK. MAKE ME FEEL BLACK. I KNOW THEY DO. I’VE LOST FRIENDS. AGAIN, MY FAULT. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF? IM IN LOVE BUT THIS IS NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO GO. TURN GREEN NOT RED MY DEAR. FUCKING COME HOME. BE THE INNOCENT GIRL I WANT TO MARRY. BE THE GIRL WHO PROPOSED TO ME IN BED. I WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL LOVED AGAIN. FOR MY OWN GOOD AS WELL AS YOURS. WHAT DO YOU NEED? BE MY DATE. BE MY GIRL. MY ONE. FANCY ME. WANT MY BODY. WANT MY SEX. YOUR FACE WILL LIGHT UP THE DIMMEST OF MY DAYS. I COULDN’T CARE LESS HOW MANY PEOPLE HATE ME BECAUSE OF YOU. I COULD NEVER HATE MYSELF FOR BEING IN LOVE. BECAUSE IT MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN ANYTHING ELSE. YOU’RE THE DRUMBEAT. YOU’RE THE VOCALS. YOU’RE THE MUSIC IN MY LIFE AND THE LOVE IS OUR SONG. IF THIS DOESNT STOP SOON I’LL KILL MYSELF. FORGIVE ME IF I DO. don’t let me cage myself any longer
I DETEST NOT BEING RESPECTED, NOT BEING WORTH ANYTHING, BEING ABUSED, NEVER BEING GOOD ENOUGH. I HATE SACRIFICING HUGE THINGS TIME ANDDDDDD TIME AND TIMEE AND TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AGAIN….FOR NOTHING.
SLOW DANCING IN A BURNING ROOM.

i dont feel it :’( but i can undertsand it :’( im just glad my gut doesnt it feel it - i trust my gut so much, it has given me good vibes for years and im telling you - my gut says we’ll be just fine

Earl Sweatshirt; FIDLAR; Frank Ocean; Hindu Priates; Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros; Wavves; Kendrick Lamar; Bon Iver; Drenge; Kanye; Clipping; The Weeknd; Tame Impala; Mikil Pane; Michael Kiwanuka; White Fence

in no particular order

CAN EVERYONE JUST APPRECIATE HOW MUCH I LOVE PRIYA BANERJI, THE PERFECTLY SIZED GIRL WHO IVE BEEN OVER PRIVILEGED TO KISS AND CALL MINE FOR ALMOST A YEAR, SHES THE ONLY SHINING HUMAN IN MY WORLD, EMULATING THINGS THAT’LL MAKE ME HAPPY, CAN EVERYONE JUST APPRECIATE HER FOR WHAT SHE IS: SHES OVER PROTECTIVE, UNREASONABLE, STUPENDOUSLY CARING AND FRANKLY MY DEFINITION OF PERFECT
I NEED TO WRITE.

the situation is that pri is upset because im on a french exchange and that means 1) living with a girl, 2) meeting the others multiple times in quick succession, and 3) we dont get to go to JAWS. now, although i understand her emotions, of hatred -towards the girls, jealousy, anger, self-hate, all of these things are understandable, but i love her. she says she is doubtful that what i feel is requited, and that she would go to greater lengths to make me happy, it is not true. one persons desire to make another person happy should not be measured on how much violence they are willing to cause - if anything it should be about how much peace they are able to make for their relationship. nonethelss i feel as though i am giving my all, maybe not quite 100% - which i will, im just not there yet - but i truly am trying to evade the situation for her, i truly am trying to be the best boyfriend i can. in these times we must think of others. this does not mean lose our priorities for priya and i have battled extremely hard over the past year in order to be together. we won every single battle. but what this does mean, however, is that we must not simply think of ourselves, when we need to pull together selfishness is not the way. 

our history is rich with vicotory - small victories which, to the common person, would not seem significant or relevant in any respect. we’re  not normal - i think we know that. simply being able to see my priya, that is a victory worth fighting for and believe me i am not done fighting. i believe in love. i believe that her parents would eventually accept us, i believe in everythingn we have fought for in the past year and she says she can walk away - as though it is nothing to her. we have both sacrificed in the past, undoubtedly, why stop now. i am willing to work with her. the proposal she has laid out for me will lead to doom. there is no flexibility in her views. i know why she feels she doesnt need to be - she has done nothing wrong. but i believe that relationships work best with balance. with compromise and with sacrifice. she has proven herself to me before, with ecuador, she was left for a month with no contact to me and although i had to go through the same month, she was more alone. i am forever thankful for the way she pulled through that week and will always value her strength and patience. strength and patience. 

with this new challenge which looms, no strength nor patience has been shown. even for me to try. she has little faith that i’ll even do anything. she is so focused on results, getting what SHE wants, i feel as though everything we have been through is lost in her. burnt up in flames. it isnt within me, and i have a gut feel, rooted within me to fight. i want to show her, at any costs. i love her. thats what love is. but given that she doesnt and apparently cant show any strength nor perseverance, how am i supposed to find love. for me the love is endless and i know that i could get through a single week of upset for a lifetime of happiness. i understand that sometimes you dont always get to do the things you want straight away, you have to go to somewhere else before you can get to your destination and i understand that. im fearful that she doesnt. i would treat her angelically, loving her the way i do for the rest of my life. 

that is what i want more than anything. 

i feel unjustly placed in a situation where i am forced to do things. i feel tortured. i feel like i have lost her to be honest. and yet there are still embers of a fire inside of me. i still have the desire to fight, to live on, WITH HER, i need to. i almost feel coded for it. 

please God, help us. help give priya and i, both, strength. help us - through our efforts - find a solution. 

it is one week. a sacrifice must be made. dont let it be you priya. 

italdred:

Nepal nove 004 (by Katarina 2353)
<---DONT REMOVE---->